Saturday, February 06, 2010
Necessary comment limitations
Due to an excessive number of comments that were totally inappropriate, I will no longer accept anonymous comments and am also implementing the word verification for comments. I am happy to have anyone read this blog, but I am not interested in nor care to be an advertisement for sex, drugs and I don't know what else.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Loving God
Although I claim to be a fundamentalist, I'm not always sure any more. I suspect many fundamentalists would not consider me one. I do have some very strong fundamental beliefs, but I am more open to consider other religions than other fundamentalists I know. For example, I know Jesus is the only way to God for me, but I wonder if it is Jesus or what he embodied? Is there a difference? I can't say definitely that he is the only way for everyone else. That is between God and the individual. This doesn't negate my trust in him, nor my need to tell others about him. Jesus said "go into world and preach the good news to all creation," but he also said "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." Paul said to [m]ake every effort to live in peace with all men. He didn't say all Christians, so I take it to mean people of all religions. To live in peace doesn't mean we have to believe what others believe, just not to harass them. (Even if he had said 'other Christians,' we haven't done very well with this one.)
I tend to think that most, if not all, religions take a particular element, or group of elements, to an extreme. From the little I have learned about several of them, the basics are all the same. Probably 99% teach a variation of the golden rule. Jesus was the living example of the golden rule in an active sense. Perhaps others teach a more passive version - not necessarily to go out of our way to do for someone, but to make a point of not doing anyone any harm. If we're going to take one element, this seems to be a good one. It makes sense to me, too.
The Bible teaches that God made man (male and female) in "his own image." It only makes sense to me that we honor God by treating his reflections on earth decently. After all, what other form of God will we ever see? We often teach our children that how we treat "A" is a true indication of how we'll treat "B" because we have seen the connections. It's no different in the God/people connection. That's why we have the golden rule. That's why Jesus told John "If you love me, feed my sheep." We express our love for God by showing it to others. (Matthew 25:40) When asked the greatest commandment (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.) Jesus also gave us the second (Love your neighbor as yourself.) and said all the law hangs on these two. (Matthew 22:34-40)
What people often (usually, it seems) forget is that love is an action verb. It is not simply a feeling. Loving God, just as loving our spouse, or children, or friends, requires us to show it in our actions. It can be as simple as feeding someone or giving them a drink of water. Jesus pointed out that doing this only for those close to us (family, friends), while still good, is very limited. Reaching out to those beyond our circle is more meaningful. Giving a glass of water to someone who is pretty much the antithesis of what we consider "right," because we do it for a love for God, shows Him that love... not to mention the person to whom we are giving the water.
To me, any religion that expresses this loving connection for God and man has the basic element necessary to be a true faith. Those religions that have lost this and put other, sometimes more trivial things first, are missing the most basic element. If I can't give someone a drink of water because they wear the wrong clothes, listen to the wrong music, even have different priorities, or call God by a different name, I've forgotten one of the most important lessons Jesus taught. If they say "My God is the only God" or even "My way to God is the only way," I have a problem with it. In the first place, there is only one God and, even though in polytheistic religions one may be worshiping a lesser "god," ultimately we all worship the same God. And to claim that anyone has it 100% right... well, I believe we can say it for ourselves, but I'm not sure how much we can say it for others.
If we do good things for others, but only as a means to "convert" them, we are missing the point, as well. It is true that when we show kindnesses, we help to create an environment that will open others' ears to our discussions of our beliefs. The problem is that, if we do them for this purpose, we are not doing it for love for God or man. If we are truly doing something out of love, God will use the opportunity. It's not up to us. To me, and I suppose this is a personal view, it's better to give the water with the attitude of "God, I don't like this person, but I'm doing it because I love you" than "I'll give this person the water so he'll listen and I can convert him and then I can like him." I'm happy to say that I've encountered some of the former, but, unfortunately many of the latter, as well. In my experience, God provides the love for others when we do things for Him.
Loving God is expressed by loving others. It doesn't mean we have to agree with them. You don't have to like what they do or how they believe. Simply treat them as you'd like to be treated. It's all really easy. Once you've committed yourself to it, God will give you the grace to follow through.
I tend to think that most, if not all, religions take a particular element, or group of elements, to an extreme. From the little I have learned about several of them, the basics are all the same. Probably 99% teach a variation of the golden rule. Jesus was the living example of the golden rule in an active sense. Perhaps others teach a more passive version - not necessarily to go out of our way to do for someone, but to make a point of not doing anyone any harm. If we're going to take one element, this seems to be a good one. It makes sense to me, too.
The Bible teaches that God made man (male and female) in "his own image." It only makes sense to me that we honor God by treating his reflections on earth decently. After all, what other form of God will we ever see? We often teach our children that how we treat "A" is a true indication of how we'll treat "B" because we have seen the connections. It's no different in the God/people connection. That's why we have the golden rule. That's why Jesus told John "If you love me, feed my sheep." We express our love for God by showing it to others. (Matthew 25:40) When asked the greatest commandment (Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.) Jesus also gave us the second (Love your neighbor as yourself.) and said all the law hangs on these two. (Matthew 22:34-40)
What people often (usually, it seems) forget is that love is an action verb. It is not simply a feeling. Loving God, just as loving our spouse, or children, or friends, requires us to show it in our actions. It can be as simple as feeding someone or giving them a drink of water. Jesus pointed out that doing this only for those close to us (family, friends), while still good, is very limited. Reaching out to those beyond our circle is more meaningful. Giving a glass of water to someone who is pretty much the antithesis of what we consider "right," because we do it for a love for God, shows Him that love... not to mention the person to whom we are giving the water.
To me, any religion that expresses this loving connection for God and man has the basic element necessary to be a true faith. Those religions that have lost this and put other, sometimes more trivial things first, are missing the most basic element. If I can't give someone a drink of water because they wear the wrong clothes, listen to the wrong music, even have different priorities, or call God by a different name, I've forgotten one of the most important lessons Jesus taught. If they say "My God is the only God" or even "My way to God is the only way," I have a problem with it. In the first place, there is only one God and, even though in polytheistic religions one may be worshiping a lesser "god," ultimately we all worship the same God. And to claim that anyone has it 100% right... well, I believe we can say it for ourselves, but I'm not sure how much we can say it for others.
If we do good things for others, but only as a means to "convert" them, we are missing the point, as well. It is true that when we show kindnesses, we help to create an environment that will open others' ears to our discussions of our beliefs. The problem is that, if we do them for this purpose, we are not doing it for love for God or man. If we are truly doing something out of love, God will use the opportunity. It's not up to us. To me, and I suppose this is a personal view, it's better to give the water with the attitude of "God, I don't like this person, but I'm doing it because I love you" than "I'll give this person the water so he'll listen and I can convert him and then I can like him." I'm happy to say that I've encountered some of the former, but, unfortunately many of the latter, as well. In my experience, God provides the love for others when we do things for Him.
Loving God is expressed by loving others. It doesn't mean we have to agree with them. You don't have to like what they do or how they believe. Simply treat them as you'd like to be treated. It's all really easy. Once you've committed yourself to it, God will give you the grace to follow through.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A Dreams, A Vision and Worship
I've been driving to Portland most of the past week, working on some shelving projects for my son. I have been tired and today I slept late, getting about eleven house sleep. When I'm well rested, I dream. Well rested dreams are often good stories or messages to myself. Today was no exception.
I only remembered the end of the dream when I woke. In the dream a man was on stage singing. I was with someone, though I don't know who, now. There was something about being there to learn to sing as he was, but I'm totally in the dark about what that was about in the dream. In the dream the singer was Willie Nelson, but that was not him. It was someone younger and with a clear voice. I'm not sure why I named him as Willie Nelson unless that was just the first name that came to my dreaming mind.
Anyway, he was singing and came to the chorus "and I did it all for you." My friend and I were following him as he walked along the stage. (We weren't on the stage, but were following right along the front of the stage as he walked out the projected part of the stage.) As he got to that line, a large picture of Jesus rose up before him, covering him from the chin down. I remember feeling a thrill at connecting his words to that picture.
It sounds like he was singing from Jesus' point of view, but that wasn't it at all. I woke up at that point and I knew what it meant. That's only one line from the song. I've been working on trying to put lyrics together that express the full meaning. So far, all I have are the leading lines of the chorus, which change from verse to verse, although the rest of the chorus is the same. Those lines are 1) I did it all for me, 2) He did it all for me, 3) I did it all for Him and 4) I did it all for you.
I don't know yet if I have the skill to write the whole thing. I'm certainly working on it. Right after I woke, I thought of MC Psalmist, but I don't know if it's a rap song or something else. Maybe it'll just be a poem. Maybe my son will create some music for it. (I, the dreamer, actually heard no music in the dream even though "Willie" was singing.)
What struck me is the progression of those four lines. I believe this is the true order of a believer's life. We do things for ourselves. We see what God through Christ did for us. We are thankful and do things to please Him. Finally we realize the meaning of the Golden Rule and do thing for others.
This falls in line with a "vision" I had. Maybe "vision" is the wrong word. "Message from God" or "Revelation" sound too pompous and make me a possible candidate for the looney bin in the eyes of many. Perhaps "Vision" does too, but I'm not sure how to label it. Neither is it exactly an "answer" to a prayer, though it was through prayer that it was shown to me. Shown in the meanig of making me to see, to understand.
I have been concerned about not attending church. For a very long time I rarely missed and since about 2000 or 2001 I have not attended. Originally my reasons were based on how I felt physically. At that time I was always exhausted. I've come to realize since, that, at least some of that exhaustion was being depressed. But during that time I also came to see the fundamentalist churches a little more clearly. I see too much blind faith and I was born again out of seeing, not blind faith. Many, most of the believers I have known in these churches are wonderful true believers, but somehow, the fundamentalist church as a whole has become essentially pharisaical. The "silent majority" is still silent! I think most of these pharisees are still looking for that which they thought they'd found. It comes down to "religion," rather than people, being important. (And this is not to say that these people are not really Christian. Anyone can get lost along the way. God will bring his true followers around as He sees fit.)
My concern has been that I know I'm no better than any of those whose religiosity frustrates me. I fall short of the ideals I aspire to. I see myself closer to the woman I once imagined I would become, but further away from it in many respects. So I was frustrated at how to worship. How can I return to a church I feel so often has blinders on? How can I attend a church that ignores some of the fundamentals I believe are important? Where do I go? How do I worship.
It was with astounding clarity that the answer came to me. "Worship with your life." I know this is a true answer for several reasons. The first was the clarity of it as a command. Then, my gut reaction was a whimpering "No." I don't want to do that because it is not easy. It is uncomfortable. My life is 24/7, not Sunday morning, or even Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and special occasiona. It's also biblical. My holey (not holy) brain can't recall the exact chapter and verse, but I know it's in the Bible to live our lives in such a way as to let people know we are believers, in such a way as to reflect the true God in His mercy.
Besides those reasons, it won't go away! It pops into my mind in all sorts of places and situations. I believe that is what the dream was about. Not so much for me to write the lyrics of the dream song, but to comprehend the message they convey.
That final lines of the song expresses the golden rule. It says I care enough about you to give you what I want for myself. It also reflects the tale of the Good Samaritan. Leviticus 19:18 tells us to love our neighbor. It is the scripture that the golden rule is based on. Jesus' expression of it points out that loving is doing, not a feeling or merely politeness.
It isn't easy. I'm somewhat of a hermit by nature. When I am around people, I tend to be shy and quiet. I still need to learn what to do and how to do it in terms of worshipping God by loving and doing for others. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's obvious, but... (ie.: is it safe to give that person a lift?) Sometimes I haven't a clue even if I sense I should do something. I still have a lot to learn to become the woman I want to be.
I only remembered the end of the dream when I woke. In the dream a man was on stage singing. I was with someone, though I don't know who, now. There was something about being there to learn to sing as he was, but I'm totally in the dark about what that was about in the dream. In the dream the singer was Willie Nelson, but that was not him. It was someone younger and with a clear voice. I'm not sure why I named him as Willie Nelson unless that was just the first name that came to my dreaming mind.
Anyway, he was singing and came to the chorus "and I did it all for you." My friend and I were following him as he walked along the stage. (We weren't on the stage, but were following right along the front of the stage as he walked out the projected part of the stage.) As he got to that line, a large picture of Jesus rose up before him, covering him from the chin down. I remember feeling a thrill at connecting his words to that picture.
It sounds like he was singing from Jesus' point of view, but that wasn't it at all. I woke up at that point and I knew what it meant. That's only one line from the song. I've been working on trying to put lyrics together that express the full meaning. So far, all I have are the leading lines of the chorus, which change from verse to verse, although the rest of the chorus is the same. Those lines are 1) I did it all for me, 2) He did it all for me, 3) I did it all for Him and 4) I did it all for you.
I don't know yet if I have the skill to write the whole thing. I'm certainly working on it. Right after I woke, I thought of MC Psalmist, but I don't know if it's a rap song or something else. Maybe it'll just be a poem. Maybe my son will create some music for it. (I, the dreamer, actually heard no music in the dream even though "Willie" was singing.)
What struck me is the progression of those four lines. I believe this is the true order of a believer's life. We do things for ourselves. We see what God through Christ did for us. We are thankful and do things to please Him. Finally we realize the meaning of the Golden Rule and do thing for others.
This falls in line with a "vision" I had. Maybe "vision" is the wrong word. "Message from God" or "Revelation" sound too pompous and make me a possible candidate for the looney bin in the eyes of many. Perhaps "Vision" does too, but I'm not sure how to label it. Neither is it exactly an "answer" to a prayer, though it was through prayer that it was shown to me. Shown in the meanig of making me to see, to understand.
I have been concerned about not attending church. For a very long time I rarely missed and since about 2000 or 2001 I have not attended. Originally my reasons were based on how I felt physically. At that time I was always exhausted. I've come to realize since, that, at least some of that exhaustion was being depressed. But during that time I also came to see the fundamentalist churches a little more clearly. I see too much blind faith and I was born again out of seeing, not blind faith. Many, most of the believers I have known in these churches are wonderful true believers, but somehow, the fundamentalist church as a whole has become essentially pharisaical. The "silent majority" is still silent! I think most of these pharisees are still looking for that which they thought they'd found. It comes down to "religion," rather than people, being important. (And this is not to say that these people are not really Christian. Anyone can get lost along the way. God will bring his true followers around as He sees fit.)
My concern has been that I know I'm no better than any of those whose religiosity frustrates me. I fall short of the ideals I aspire to. I see myself closer to the woman I once imagined I would become, but further away from it in many respects. So I was frustrated at how to worship. How can I return to a church I feel so often has blinders on? How can I attend a church that ignores some of the fundamentals I believe are important? Where do I go? How do I worship.
It was with astounding clarity that the answer came to me. "Worship with your life." I know this is a true answer for several reasons. The first was the clarity of it as a command. Then, my gut reaction was a whimpering "No." I don't want to do that because it is not easy. It is uncomfortable. My life is 24/7, not Sunday morning, or even Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and special occasiona. It's also biblical. My holey (not holy) brain can't recall the exact chapter and verse, but I know it's in the Bible to live our lives in such a way as to let people know we are believers, in such a way as to reflect the true God in His mercy.
Besides those reasons, it won't go away! It pops into my mind in all sorts of places and situations. I believe that is what the dream was about. Not so much for me to write the lyrics of the dream song, but to comprehend the message they convey.
That final lines of the song expresses the golden rule. It says I care enough about you to give you what I want for myself. It also reflects the tale of the Good Samaritan. Leviticus 19:18 tells us to love our neighbor. It is the scripture that the golden rule is based on. Jesus' expression of it points out that loving is doing, not a feeling or merely politeness.
It isn't easy. I'm somewhat of a hermit by nature. When I am around people, I tend to be shy and quiet. I still need to learn what to do and how to do it in terms of worshipping God by loving and doing for others. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's obvious, but... (ie.: is it safe to give that person a lift?) Sometimes I haven't a clue even if I sense I should do something. I still have a lot to learn to become the woman I want to be.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Some Connections
Originally posted at Tapestry on Aug.26, '07.
My own confusion apparently came through on my previous post. Comments I received all show a different understanding of what I meant. Or, perhaps I should say, different facets of understanding. As I say, I had, and still have, confusion about what I mean. I'm certain only that there is something important here. Perhaps only for me, perhaps for anyone else who will hear. It's something I'm on the verge of grasping, but haven't yet gotten a firm grip.
What follows may or may not be illuminating to me or my readers. I'm writing as I think, thinking as I write.
The element of connections was the start of it. I chose this word because what happened made me think of the television show called Connections wherein James Burke would take a modern concept/technology and say it was caused by a seemingly random, unrelated fact from back in history. Then starting with the historical fact he would lead the viewer through time and show how they were indeed connected.
I took an on-line quiz. I do these things for fun. I don't think such things are able to accurately determine anything about a person, although some of them do try to use valid research and psychological understanding. If I really wanted to know more about myself, serious introspection would prove more useful. The values of these quizzes is the entertainment. It's fun to see how close to my view of myself they come. Sometimes they make me think as well as laugh. Like this time.
When I got the results of this quiz, several things hit me all at once. Well, not quite "hit" and not quite "all at once." It was more like I read the results => I read something related => that reminded me of A => which reminded me of B, etc. These things happened over my lifetime and it is only now that I'm seeing any connections among them. They aren't quite a disparate as Burke's various facts, but the idea is the same... Because of A, B happened and that led to C... up to the present. (It's a lot easier to see how A led to Z than how A1 led to Z37.)
A) Sometime between the ages of 8 and 18 I developed an image of who I wanted to be at age 40. I don't think there was any specific impetus for this. I generally admired wise, calm serene women and that's what I wanted to be. I don't recall ever doing anything to become this person. I merely decided that is who I would be. I'm sure I thought about it now and then, but it was never front and center of my consciousness.
B) About the age of 12 I read an article (in Guideposts, I believe) stating that we are all the children of God and we should not forget it. I took it to heart and decided I would always remember that I was indeed a child of God. I don't know if this is because of A or not. The what had much more impact on my memory than the why.
C) Just shy of age 19 I became a "born-again" Christian. Of course, other things in my life at the time influenced my decision as well, but already believing I was a child of God was very motivating.
D) I spent the next 30 years in Fundamental Christianity. The best thing I got out of it was some good Bible study. (Though I'm hardly an advanced Bible scholar, I am a Bible student.) Although I know the subject of faith cannot be proven (by definition) I don't accept things about my faith blindly. I don't question everything at once and I don't question for the sake of questioning. I want to understand all that I am capable of understanding. An awful lot of people of any religious persuasion take whatever they're taught without thinking about it. I honestly don't understand this. So, through these years when the church I was attending could not satisfactorily explain something, I learned to keep my own counsel. For me, the true fundamentals of Christianity are summed up in Romans 10:9-10 "9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." (NIV) Anything else has room for disagreement. Most Fundamentalists don't agree with me on this, but they don't always agree with each other, either. I've seen either 5, 7 or 12 "fundamentals" that must be adhered to to be a Fundamentalist. That's OK. Nonetheless, most of the people I met in church through the years were very nice people. Very few fit the rabid "Fundamentalist" stereotype.
E) As I approached age 50 I did not see that I had become the woman I had wanted to become. I was a bit disappointed in myself, but simply kept it as my goal, believing that I was headed in that direction. (I even wrote a humorous poem about it in 2003 or 2004.) 2004 was a year of extreme stress for me, but at the end of that year (or early 2005) my son told me how much he depended on my serenity and calmness!! Evidently I'd moved closer to my goal than I'd realized.
F) My sister took me to a "Get Over Yourself" seminar. I didn't feel like I'd learned much new, but I appreciated how it brought it all together. I developed my life vision at this seminar: I see a world where all people accept each other as friends and neighbors and celebrate each person's uniqueness as a vital part of everyone's life, like threads in a tapestry.
G) My son was misdiagnosed as having ADD in 2004. In our efforts to learn more about it, it seemed more and more that it described my problem with focus and organization. In 2006 I saw the (only local) psychiatrist who treats ADD patients. He agreed that I have ADD, but his approach is quite different from any I'd read. I get frustrated that every year I set goals to become organized and every year I'm about as disorganized as ever (2004 and 2005 were among the worst organization years). I'd never had a goal in life other than that image that I never really saw as a goal. I never have figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I simply went with the flow of life. At first, all I could think of was a 2 year old because he asked "Why?" to every thing I said. Why do I get frustrated? Why do I need a goal? Why do I need to accomplish something (since having ADD doesn't actually compromise my functionality)? (There were many more whys I don't specifically remember now.) Then he said something very profound. The only important goal anyone need accomplish is learning to love. And we must first learn to love ourselves in order to learn to love others. Now, I've heard this a thousand times just like everyone else has. I went home thinking that that was not what I expected a psychiatric visit would be like. But I kept replaying our conversation in my head and at some point and (((ring))) it resonated and I made a connection. Developing serenity, being a child of God, the Bible study, the life vision, these are all part of that process of learning to love myself and others.
H) In April 2007, I shared with the psychiatrist a transcript of a conversation I had with someone going through a crisis. His comment to me was that I was remarkably calm and therefore a good influence and help to this other person. I am still getting closer to my vision of who/what I want to be. It's one thing for a family member to say this, but for a trained professional to say it in the context it was in... can we say ego boost? :-) (And I don't mean that in the big headed ego sort of way.)
I) The quiz. I got a 100% on the positive quality of Peace! It's just an on-line quiz. It isn't accurate. I know myself well enough to say that. But still it's not 100% wrong either. It got me thinking. What is serenity but the "peace that passes understanding?" And I am a peace maker. I instinctively try to bring people together, to bring them to a calmness with each other despite differences. That made me look up the beatitude about being a peacemaker. "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:8-10 There you go! I didn't make it to Z, but I've come full circle. I am a child of God!
Then came the conversation with my brother. He considers himself a christian, with a small "c" because he's pretty unorthodox in many ways. He believes that Jesus died for our sins, but questions his divinity. He loves the Catholic Church in one sense, but thinks they really need to get with it and realize that the message needs to fit the age. He was confronted by the devil many years ago and chose God. (:-) Is there ever a more appropriate time to say "Hell, no!") What has been bothering him, what we were talking about (among other things theophilosophical) was the question of prayers. Why, when surely more people want and pray for it than not, do we not have world peace? Why are children starving to death every day? Why are poor children in Argentina (I think I have the right country) being killed merely because they are a nuisance to those who have the money to help them? Of course, we didn't get all the answers, but the main thing to come out were:
Matthew 25:39-40 (KJV)
39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
and John 15:10-12 (NIV)
10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
And he ended with the questions "What are we to do to bring world peace?" "What are we to do to save the starving children in the world?" "What are we to do to stop the killing in Argentina and help those children?" Unspoken was "What are we to do to about all the other problems in the world that the people, ordinary followers of Jesus can do?"
This is all part and parcel of the foregoing. The feeling of resistance is because doing something often means sacrifice and that's something we all resist (even Jesus asked the cup be taken away, though he had a much better reason since I don't think I'm going to be asked to give my life).
Also tied to this somehow, I think, is three nights of very restless sleep with dreams of death, and then waking up to an awareness of God's love. Death in a dream needn't mean an actual death, but the end of something. I don't think I'm having any premonitions. (I certainly hope not!) This does not mean, as I was asked, a change in my beliefs, but it may mean a new understanding. Romans 10:9-10 still holds true for me. I don't know what, specifically this change will be, if it is, indeed, related.
______
The mix of Bible versions is because I learned quotes from different versions at different times, and when I look them up, I find them using the words I remember.
My own confusion apparently came through on my previous post. Comments I received all show a different understanding of what I meant. Or, perhaps I should say, different facets of understanding. As I say, I had, and still have, confusion about what I mean. I'm certain only that there is something important here. Perhaps only for me, perhaps for anyone else who will hear. It's something I'm on the verge of grasping, but haven't yet gotten a firm grip.
What follows may or may not be illuminating to me or my readers. I'm writing as I think, thinking as I write.
The element of connections was the start of it. I chose this word because what happened made me think of the television show called Connections wherein James Burke would take a modern concept/technology and say it was caused by a seemingly random, unrelated fact from back in history. Then starting with the historical fact he would lead the viewer through time and show how they were indeed connected.
I took an on-line quiz. I do these things for fun. I don't think such things are able to accurately determine anything about a person, although some of them do try to use valid research and psychological understanding. If I really wanted to know more about myself, serious introspection would prove more useful. The values of these quizzes is the entertainment. It's fun to see how close to my view of myself they come. Sometimes they make me think as well as laugh. Like this time.
When I got the results of this quiz, several things hit me all at once. Well, not quite "hit" and not quite "all at once." It was more like I read the results => I read something related => that reminded me of A => which reminded me of B, etc. These things happened over my lifetime and it is only now that I'm seeing any connections among them. They aren't quite a disparate as Burke's various facts, but the idea is the same... Because of A, B happened and that led to C... up to the present. (It's a lot easier to see how A led to Z than how A1 led to Z37.)
A) Sometime between the ages of 8 and 18 I developed an image of who I wanted to be at age 40. I don't think there was any specific impetus for this. I generally admired wise, calm serene women and that's what I wanted to be. I don't recall ever doing anything to become this person. I merely decided that is who I would be. I'm sure I thought about it now and then, but it was never front and center of my consciousness.
B) About the age of 12 I read an article (in Guideposts, I believe) stating that we are all the children of God and we should not forget it. I took it to heart and decided I would always remember that I was indeed a child of God. I don't know if this is because of A or not. The what had much more impact on my memory than the why.
C) Just shy of age 19 I became a "born-again" Christian. Of course, other things in my life at the time influenced my decision as well, but already believing I was a child of God was very motivating.
D) I spent the next 30 years in Fundamental Christianity. The best thing I got out of it was some good Bible study. (Though I'm hardly an advanced Bible scholar, I am a Bible student.) Although I know the subject of faith cannot be proven (by definition) I don't accept things about my faith blindly. I don't question everything at once and I don't question for the sake of questioning. I want to understand all that I am capable of understanding. An awful lot of people of any religious persuasion take whatever they're taught without thinking about it. I honestly don't understand this. So, through these years when the church I was attending could not satisfactorily explain something, I learned to keep my own counsel. For me, the true fundamentals of Christianity are summed up in Romans 10:9-10 "9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." (NIV) Anything else has room for disagreement. Most Fundamentalists don't agree with me on this, but they don't always agree with each other, either. I've seen either 5, 7 or 12 "fundamentals" that must be adhered to to be a Fundamentalist. That's OK. Nonetheless, most of the people I met in church through the years were very nice people. Very few fit the rabid "Fundamentalist" stereotype.
E) As I approached age 50 I did not see that I had become the woman I had wanted to become. I was a bit disappointed in myself, but simply kept it as my goal, believing that I was headed in that direction. (I even wrote a humorous poem about it in 2003 or 2004.) 2004 was a year of extreme stress for me, but at the end of that year (or early 2005) my son told me how much he depended on my serenity and calmness!! Evidently I'd moved closer to my goal than I'd realized.
F) My sister took me to a "Get Over Yourself" seminar. I didn't feel like I'd learned much new, but I appreciated how it brought it all together. I developed my life vision at this seminar: I see a world where all people accept each other as friends and neighbors and celebrate each person's uniqueness as a vital part of everyone's life, like threads in a tapestry.
G) My son was misdiagnosed as having ADD in 2004. In our efforts to learn more about it, it seemed more and more that it described my problem with focus and organization. In 2006 I saw the (only local) psychiatrist who treats ADD patients. He agreed that I have ADD, but his approach is quite different from any I'd read. I get frustrated that every year I set goals to become organized and every year I'm about as disorganized as ever (2004 and 2005 were among the worst organization years). I'd never had a goal in life other than that image that I never really saw as a goal. I never have figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I simply went with the flow of life. At first, all I could think of was a 2 year old because he asked "Why?" to every thing I said. Why do I get frustrated? Why do I need a goal? Why do I need to accomplish something (since having ADD doesn't actually compromise my functionality)? (There were many more whys I don't specifically remember now.) Then he said something very profound. The only important goal anyone need accomplish is learning to love. And we must first learn to love ourselves in order to learn to love others. Now, I've heard this a thousand times just like everyone else has. I went home thinking that that was not what I expected a psychiatric visit would be like. But I kept replaying our conversation in my head and at some point and (((ring))) it resonated and I made a connection. Developing serenity, being a child of God, the Bible study, the life vision, these are all part of that process of learning to love myself and others.
H) In April 2007, I shared with the psychiatrist a transcript of a conversation I had with someone going through a crisis. His comment to me was that I was remarkably calm and therefore a good influence and help to this other person. I am still getting closer to my vision of who/what I want to be. It's one thing for a family member to say this, but for a trained professional to say it in the context it was in... can we say ego boost? :-) (And I don't mean that in the big headed ego sort of way.)
I) The quiz. I got a 100% on the positive quality of Peace! It's just an on-line quiz. It isn't accurate. I know myself well enough to say that. But still it's not 100% wrong either. It got me thinking. What is serenity but the "peace that passes understanding?" And I am a peace maker. I instinctively try to bring people together, to bring them to a calmness with each other despite differences. That made me look up the beatitude about being a peacemaker. "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:8-10 There you go! I didn't make it to Z, but I've come full circle. I am a child of God!
Then came the conversation with my brother. He considers himself a christian, with a small "c" because he's pretty unorthodox in many ways. He believes that Jesus died for our sins, but questions his divinity. He loves the Catholic Church in one sense, but thinks they really need to get with it and realize that the message needs to fit the age. He was confronted by the devil many years ago and chose God. (:-) Is there ever a more appropriate time to say "Hell, no!") What has been bothering him, what we were talking about (among other things theophilosophical) was the question of prayers. Why, when surely more people want and pray for it than not, do we not have world peace? Why are children starving to death every day? Why are poor children in Argentina (I think I have the right country) being killed merely because they are a nuisance to those who have the money to help them? Of course, we didn't get all the answers, but the main thing to come out were:
Matthew 25:39-40 (KJV)
39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
and John 15:10-12 (NIV)
10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
And he ended with the questions "What are we to do to bring world peace?" "What are we to do to save the starving children in the world?" "What are we to do to stop the killing in Argentina and help those children?" Unspoken was "What are we to do to about all the other problems in the world that the people, ordinary followers of Jesus can do?"
This is all part and parcel of the foregoing. The feeling of resistance is because doing something often means sacrifice and that's something we all resist (even Jesus asked the cup be taken away, though he had a much better reason since I don't think I'm going to be asked to give my life).
Also tied to this somehow, I think, is three nights of very restless sleep with dreams of death, and then waking up to an awareness of God's love. Death in a dream needn't mean an actual death, but the end of something. I don't think I'm having any premonitions. (I certainly hope not!) This does not mean, as I was asked, a change in my beliefs, but it may mean a new understanding. Romans 10:9-10 still holds true for me. I don't know what, specifically this change will be, if it is, indeed, related.
______
The mix of Bible versions is because I learned quotes from different versions at different times, and when I look them up, I find them using the words I remember.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Religion Is Merely A Guide
The following was written today as I sat and waited at the eye doctor's office. I haven't really edited it much. It wanders a bit, though I did cut out the total non sequiturs.
Some of these ideas have been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. I recently finished reading a book called The Lost Secrets of Prayer by Guy Finley. In it he talks about much the same thing and it helped begin to clarify my own thoughts.
I welcome any thoughts or comments on this (subject or writing).
Some of these ideas have been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. I recently finished reading a book called The Lost Secrets of Prayer by Guy Finley. In it he talks about much the same thing and it helped begin to clarify my own thoughts.
I welcome any thoughts or comments on this (subject or writing).
______________________________
The path to God is not only stright and narrow, but lonely. I'm not so sure about straight, but that is perhaps because no one has really managed to stay 100% on it. In part, this is because that lonely path goes through the wide path of life. There is no other place for it to go! We must travel on the life path and we may go where we will on that path.
We find the narrow path in may ways. Religion is one way. Some find it accidently. Others may be looking for signs and find it. The thing about religion is that it is a wider path. Those who cling to it may possibly not be on the narrow path. This is true if they insist on not going alone. You cannot walk beside someone who is on the narrow path and be on that path yourself! The gathering together of Christians (or any other faith) is a good and helpful thing, but it is not being on the path in itself. One (maybe the only) reason the path is single file is because when we are on that path all we see is God. We don't see others. We don't look to others, only to God.
But the path is through the whole path of life. To focus solely on God is not to ignore life around us. Focusing on God provides us with the lens through which to see what is around us. If we have focused on God, we will see the world as it really is. If we are focusing on anything else that will tint how we see th world. Through God, we will see the need and the need to respond with love.
Mother Theresa was fully focused on God. It led her deeply into, not away from, life. She didn't lose her focus. It helped her to see what she needed to do in life -- to love and care and do what she could.
If our focus is wealth, we will see everything in terms of money and monetary value. The bottom line becomes the most important thing. In the end, however, no one has ever been fully satisfied with wealth -- no matter how much. If we focus on "the good life," we see things in terms of our pleasures of various kinds -- "This is a good thing" and "That is not a good thing" both based on how they please us. Ultimately, any non-God focus is a focus on self -- even those that appear selfless. Taking Mother Theresa as an example again, if her focus had been on anything but God, she could not have done what she did as well as she did, would not have been the saint we see her as. Focusing on "helping the poor," though it sounds noble, is for the self if the real focus is not on God. Why else to do any good thing except to be thought "good?" Doing something to influence how people think of us (or to get what we want, or to feel good) is a self focus. The only other reason that exists is because we love God, becaue we are focusing on God.
Whenever we do something with a self focus we are building on sandy ground. Most of the time we don't know who we are. Even when we do think we know, without God's lens we don't see things as they really are. We may have a sharp view through a false colored lens. Self without God is nothing. Yet, with God we are everything! It goes contrary to logic, but we must forget ourselves to be worth remembering. We must see our lack of value to find our true worth.
When it comes to staying on that narrow path, focusing only on God, everyone has ADD! Life remains all around us and both the sweet and the bitter things grab our attention. I suppose personality determine, in large part, whether it's the sweet or the bitter that gets more of our attention. Personality and circumstances determine how selfless or slefish we are, but without focusing on God both are about self!
Religion guides us to make God our focus. In the best sense of religion, it leads us gently and lovingly (even if it uses a little fear!. But the problem with religion is that it too often becomes the focus. In its reminding us to turn to God, it directs us to itself. The rituals become the focus rather that why they were instituted. Even those religions that developed against the ritualistic formailty that replaced God too often end up with a non-God focus. This is when religions become fanatical in a negative sense. It's no longer about God but about (fill in any religious group).
Even as I write this, I am vaguely aware, though I started with my focus on God, I am drifting. We can do nothing without God. Just because we get started with God, it does not mean we will continue. It's like trying to move upstream without using the paddle -- in the dark! We may be facing the right way, but we will not be going the right way.
Test everything through a God focus. No religion, no person (not even Mother Teresa) is immune from drifting. We need to be reborn only once. This is when we set our hearts and minds to follow God. Our commitement, however, must be renewed daily -- perhaps several times daily. Without this renewal of commitment we can too easily drift from our God focus. Because, at first, anyway, our outward actions can remain the same, no one else can tell us we have drifted. Perhaps it will only be our dissatisfaction, frustration, lack of inner peace that lets us know we have drifted. At the worst end, we become totally absorbed in self either by giving in or by trying to fight our demons by
ourselves. In any case, rather than draw others to God, we end up repelling them or, at best leaving them neutral.
Without God, we can do nothing and we are worth nothing. With God we can do anything (even move mountains!) and our worth becomes infinite (or priceless). We do not give up our freedom or limit ourselves by our trust in/focus on God. It's just the opposite. God doesn't force us to focus on him. Everyone knows Godless people who live well and have all they need, maybe more. We can't even know for sure that they are unsatisfied. We can only assume that because we feel it ourselves without God and many people have expressed it whether or not they ever turned to God. But if we choose to turn to God and make the minimal effort to keep returning to him, what we get in return for giving ourslef up is beyond measure.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Women are the stronger sex.
(This is not a continuation of the previous post.)
We know this is true. More male babies die than female babies. Women live longer than men. Generally, women hold up in a crisis better than men. Generally, women are better able than men to multitask (compare mothers to fathers for this one -- and this is one where HoneyBear and I are the exception). Women have more endurance strength than men. (I'll have to look this one up,* but I remember reading about it.) Women can handle more pain than men (think childbirth). The only strength where men excel is brute strength.
Men are afraid of women! Yes, they are. That is why we have patriarchal societies. By using their brute strength and also psychologically overpowering us, they control us. As long as they control us, they don't have to be afraid of us. Now, it wasn't only our physical strengths that frightened them. Women don't tend to be aggressive, so we have more to fear from men than they from us.
Gosh, we're scary! Well, we are. Matriarchal societies aren't necessarily any better than patriarchal societies. In all honesty, a matriarchal society can put men down as badly as the patriarchal society puts women down. And for the same reason: Fear! An interesting thing I've found while researching this is that most matriarchial societies apparently** tend to be egalitarian. This article is quite adamant about it.
Egalitarian societies make sense. After all, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." .-- Genesis 1:27 My emphasis) So, if women aren't aggressive and a physical threat to men, and if matriarchal societies tend to be egalitarian, why do men resist them? Simple answer:
Greed... Yup. Somebody wanted more than his or her fair share. And when we have "stuff" we are afraid someone will take it from us... especially if we think we don't really deserve it. And women were as bad as men. They gave up something good for everyone for the benifit of themselves. Men also took violently (probably more often than women did).
Ruined... And for our greed, what do we get? Society, as it is and has been for a long time is all about greed, greed or money (and the material possessions money provides) and greed for power (which is often just another monetary purchase) "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." -- 1 Timothy 6:10 (My emphasis)
Our lives. We also get patriarchal societies : "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." -- Genesis 3:16 (My emphasis again) and have to work like a dog for what we would have been freely given: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground," -- Genesis 3:19
We need a "do over." I won't be arrogant and say that everyone has to be a born again Christian. I don't exactly even believe that, because I don't believe that churches today are what Jesus was preaching and I've seen all too often that "born again" means doing it their way. I will say that everyone needs to listen to the call of God in their lives and not try to bend God to our own will, or create him their image. If we genuinely seek God, we will find him. If we turn away at his call, we may not have another chance.
This is the natural progression of my thought. I find it fascinating how my mind goes from one thing to another. I can't even remember what sparked that first line. It's been several hours. I've been in and out of the room, doing little things around the house and stopping here in between. I feel myself constrained to point out that I am a Christian, but other than "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15), I don't believe it thrusting my beliefs on others. Today, however, the Bible quotes were an integral part of my thinking.
*I wan't able to find anything in the time I had to look.
**My research has not been extensive on any of this.
Crossposted at Tapestry
We know this is true. More male babies die than female babies. Women live longer than men. Generally, women hold up in a crisis better than men. Generally, women are better able than men to multitask (compare mothers to fathers for this one -- and this is one where HoneyBear and I are the exception). Women have more endurance strength than men. (I'll have to look this one up,* but I remember reading about it.) Women can handle more pain than men (think childbirth). The only strength where men excel is brute strength.
Men are afraid of women! Yes, they are. That is why we have patriarchal societies. By using their brute strength and also psychologically overpowering us, they control us. As long as they control us, they don't have to be afraid of us. Now, it wasn't only our physical strengths that frightened them. Women don't tend to be aggressive, so we have more to fear from men than they from us.
Gosh, we're scary! Well, we are. Matriarchal societies aren't necessarily any better than patriarchal societies. In all honesty, a matriarchal society can put men down as badly as the patriarchal society puts women down. And for the same reason: Fear! An interesting thing I've found while researching this is that most matriarchial societies apparently** tend to be egalitarian. This article is quite adamant about it.
Egalitarian societies make sense. After all, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." .-- Genesis 1:27 My emphasis) So, if women aren't aggressive and a physical threat to men, and if matriarchal societies tend to be egalitarian, why do men resist them? Simple answer:
Greed... Yup. Somebody wanted more than his or her fair share. And when we have "stuff" we are afraid someone will take it from us... especially if we think we don't really deserve it. And women were as bad as men. They gave up something good for everyone for the benifit of themselves. Men also took violently (probably more often than women did).
Ruined... And for our greed, what do we get? Society, as it is and has been for a long time is all about greed, greed or money (and the material possessions money provides) and greed for power (which is often just another monetary purchase) "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." -- 1 Timothy 6:10 (My emphasis)
Our lives. We also get patriarchal societies : "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." -- Genesis 3:16 (My emphasis again) and have to work like a dog for what we would have been freely given: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground," -- Genesis 3:19
We need a "do over." I won't be arrogant and say that everyone has to be a born again Christian. I don't exactly even believe that, because I don't believe that churches today are what Jesus was preaching and I've seen all too often that "born again" means doing it their way. I will say that everyone needs to listen to the call of God in their lives and not try to bend God to our own will, or create him their image. If we genuinely seek God, we will find him. If we turn away at his call, we may not have another chance.
This is the natural progression of my thought. I find it fascinating how my mind goes from one thing to another. I can't even remember what sparked that first line. It's been several hours. I've been in and out of the room, doing little things around the house and stopping here in between. I feel myself constrained to point out that I am a Christian, but other than "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15), I don't believe it thrusting my beliefs on others. Today, however, the Bible quotes were an integral part of my thinking.
*I wan't able to find anything in the time I had to look.
**My research has not been extensive on any of this.
Crossposted at Tapestry
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Happiness Comes from within Oneself
The beginning of the following was originally posted at Tapestry. I continued it here because I believe it falls under the general subject matter of this blog. It is a true journal entry -- writing to discover for myself what I think. As such it does wander from one topic to the next as my mind thinks. It is not a polished essay. It is neither perfect writing nor perfect thinking. I don't believe there are any major flaws in either, however. I welcome comments. Disagreement is fine, just be polite about it. _____________________
Something I've been hearing from different sources lately is really rather profound, if you think about it. "The only viable situation is a win-win situation." Obviously a lose-lose situation is not good, but a win-lose or lose-win situation will degenerate into lose-lose. This all seems pretty obvious to me. It fits in with my "be nice" rule or the golden rule. Alas, too many people are still thinking only of their side of the relationship and as long as that is win it doesn't matter what the other side is. But it really doesn't work because the people on the lose side of a situation are going to do all they can to get their side to win. If your win depends on their lose, it's just going to create problems. Life isn't a game. Everybody can win.
Related to that is self esteem or self love. Somehow we seem to pick up that loving ourselves is a bad thing. Being selfish is a bad thing. Loving ourselves isn't. They are not the same thing. It's pretty hard to put the golden rule into practice effectively if we don't love ourselves. It's also impossible without a win-win attitude. In fact, the golden rule is the rule for win-win. Paraphrased, it's "Help others to win the way you want to win." I wonder... maybe it isn't so much that you need positive self esteem to practice the golden rule as it is that you get positive self esteem when you practice it. If I could do only one thing to change the world, it would be to make people see this clearly. It definitely was a large part of Jesus's message.
Along the line of self love is the realization that happiness comes from within. Nothing and no one can make you happy except yourself. And this just hit me... That includes God (in whatever form you accept him)! On the surface it sounds blaphemous, but it's not! God could make us happy. I believe he doens't because that takes away our free will. We get to choose to be happy.
Have you ever thought that desire is a form of unhappines. I haven't thought about deeper levels, but it's definitely true on the basic level. When we want something we don't have, we are unhappy. Why are we unhappy? We aren't unhappy because we don't have it. Really it has nothing to do with having it or not. It's because we decided to be unhappy if we don't have it.
I think that everyone has known, or at least heard about, someone who should be miserable, but isn't. Everything bad that could happen seems to have happened to them. They've been beaten and betrayed. They're broke and are too ill to work and the medical bills keep coming. Maybe they've lost a child. Some have been tortured. It seems like God has just forgotten all about them and the devil hasn't. It seems that most people in that situation become bitter, angry and definitely unhappy. But there are those who don't. They are genuinly happy. Some people just think they are nuts. And if they are happy through every second of the misery, I'm still inclined to agree. Grief and anger are normal, acceptable, even healthy emotions, but I don't think you can be happy while feeling them. Happy people get over them. They deal with the issues and get on with their lives. In my experience, most of them find reasons to be happy. Ultimately it comes down to a simple decision. They prefer being happy to being miserable. They choose to be happy.
Conversely, there are those who have everything in life and are miserable. Some of them have only material things. It's easier to understand why they would be unhappy if you undestand the need for the spiritual things of life. Some of them have a faith, though. They have people they love and are loved back. But they are unhappy and they don't know why. It's because they have chosen to be unhappy. Certainly it's an unconscious decision, but it's a decision, nonetheless. In part it is because of their misconceptions. They think love will make them happy, having everything they want will make them happy, god will make them happy. Sometimes they blame god if they aren't happy. But god isn't in the business of making people happy.
If you think about it, what is god's purpose? I don't think we can fathom it. Whatever it is, it isn't to serve humanity. We are made to serve god. I don't think there's any question about that. There's a line in Man of LaMancha where Sancho says like 'Whether the stone hit's the pitcher or the pitcher hits the stone, it's the same and bad for the pitcher.' I don't think this is true about serving god or god serving us. Paper can't write on the ink. This isn't a reversible equality. In the end, as far as out lives are concerned, it doesn't matter, except that once you realize and accept that god doesn't serve you, that only you are responsible for your happiness, then you can get on with your life and be happy about it.
We make a trap for ourselves here, too, though. We try to do what makes us happy. The only thing wrong with that is it's depending, again, on something outside us to make us happy. This is true of everything! Helping others, and even loving god, though good things to do, won't make us happy. We are happy only when we decide to be happy. Period.
Part of me still resists a little. What about clinical depression, I ask myself. That's a physical problem of unbalanced chemicals in the brain. This is a valid question as far as I can see. Clinical depression should be properly treated. At the same time I remember my brother. He has multiple sclerosis. Although he strongly suspected before the actual diagnosis was made, it was a blow. Between the natural feelings of depression resulting from the diagnosis and the medications used to treat it (which are apparently fine tuned by trial and error), he ended up with a full blown case of clinical depression. Because of medical interactions, getting the right medical treatment for that took a while, too. When asked how he handled it, he had a simple answer. "I knew I was clinically depressed and we were working on it. In the meantime, I just decided to be happy and mostly I was." He didn't deny the depression. He simply recognized it for what it was and moved on. Amazing. At the time of this conversation, I thought he was a bit crazy. Since then I've come to recognized the value of what he said and what he did. All he did was make a choice.
I can hear the question "Well, what if you make the choice and you're still unhappy?" That makes me think of my Christian conversion. I felt the call of God, of Jesus. I wanted to believe, but it was so hard. Although there was always a spiritual element to my life and the lives of those around me (no athiests, that I'm aware of), I was essentially brought up humanist. Humanism resists evangelical Christianity. On top of that, I knew a lot of people made fun of evangelicals... 'holy rollers' was the common name. I agonized over it. It was hard. Very hard. But I believe it was God calling me to make this decision, so I chose Christ. As I explained it later, it was as if Jesus was at the door knocking, but there was a boulder in the way and I couldn't open it to let him in. Once I decided, however, the boulder evaporated and the door opened.
I think it's the same for happiness. Once we decide to be happy, the boulders in the way of happiness disappear. We realize things. Some have become cliché, but while there may not be originality in clichés, there is often truth. The thing is, those clichés become realities. You can't fake it. And it's not a sour grapes sort of thing. You don't negativize something just because you didn't get it. You don't say "Well, I didn't really want that anyway" just because you didn't get it. In fact, on some level you may still want it. It's just not that important at all, not to your happiness. Have you ever told someone about something you hoped to get and gotten a pleasant, but cool "That's nice." I have and my reaction was "They just don't get how important it is." Maybe they weren't really paying attention, but it may also be that they did get how important it was, that it really wan't important.
A choice for happiness also is not about glossing over harsh realities. If there are problems that can and need to be changed, you work on changing them. You don't give up or ignore them, but you are happy and don't make your happinedd depend on that change. If there are problems that really can't be changed, you recognize them,do what you can, accept what you can't do and be happy despite the problems.
Being happy isn't easy to begin with. You have to let go of a lot of long held misbeliefs. Once you do that, once you decide to be happy, you find true happiness. It's not power, lust, elation or any of the many other things mistaken for happiness. It's simple, abiding joy. I know. I have on occasion rested there.
...to be continued
Something I've been hearing from different sources lately is really rather profound, if you think about it. "The only viable situation is a win-win situation." Obviously a lose-lose situation is not good, but a win-lose or lose-win situation will degenerate into lose-lose. This all seems pretty obvious to me. It fits in with my "be nice" rule or the golden rule. Alas, too many people are still thinking only of their side of the relationship and as long as that is win it doesn't matter what the other side is. But it really doesn't work because the people on the lose side of a situation are going to do all they can to get their side to win. If your win depends on their lose, it's just going to create problems. Life isn't a game. Everybody can win.
Related to that is self esteem or self love. Somehow we seem to pick up that loving ourselves is a bad thing. Being selfish is a bad thing. Loving ourselves isn't. They are not the same thing. It's pretty hard to put the golden rule into practice effectively if we don't love ourselves. It's also impossible without a win-win attitude. In fact, the golden rule is the rule for win-win. Paraphrased, it's "Help others to win the way you want to win." I wonder... maybe it isn't so much that you need positive self esteem to practice the golden rule as it is that you get positive self esteem when you practice it. If I could do only one thing to change the world, it would be to make people see this clearly. It definitely was a large part of Jesus's message.
Along the line of self love is the realization that happiness comes from within. Nothing and no one can make you happy except yourself. And this just hit me... That includes God (in whatever form you accept him)! On the surface it sounds blaphemous, but it's not! God could make us happy. I believe he doens't because that takes away our free will. We get to choose to be happy.
Have you ever thought that desire is a form of unhappines. I haven't thought about deeper levels, but it's definitely true on the basic level. When we want something we don't have, we are unhappy. Why are we unhappy? We aren't unhappy because we don't have it. Really it has nothing to do with having it or not. It's because we decided to be unhappy if we don't have it.
I think that everyone has known, or at least heard about, someone who should be miserable, but isn't. Everything bad that could happen seems to have happened to them. They've been beaten and betrayed. They're broke and are too ill to work and the medical bills keep coming. Maybe they've lost a child. Some have been tortured. It seems like God has just forgotten all about them and the devil hasn't. It seems that most people in that situation become bitter, angry and definitely unhappy. But there are those who don't. They are genuinly happy. Some people just think they are nuts. And if they are happy through every second of the misery, I'm still inclined to agree. Grief and anger are normal, acceptable, even healthy emotions, but I don't think you can be happy while feeling them. Happy people get over them. They deal with the issues and get on with their lives. In my experience, most of them find reasons to be happy. Ultimately it comes down to a simple decision. They prefer being happy to being miserable. They choose to be happy.
Conversely, there are those who have everything in life and are miserable. Some of them have only material things. It's easier to understand why they would be unhappy if you undestand the need for the spiritual things of life. Some of them have a faith, though. They have people they love and are loved back. But they are unhappy and they don't know why. It's because they have chosen to be unhappy. Certainly it's an unconscious decision, but it's a decision, nonetheless. In part it is because of their misconceptions. They think love will make them happy, having everything they want will make them happy, god will make them happy. Sometimes they blame god if they aren't happy. But god isn't in the business of making people happy.
If you think about it, what is god's purpose? I don't think we can fathom it. Whatever it is, it isn't to serve humanity. We are made to serve god. I don't think there's any question about that. There's a line in Man of LaMancha where Sancho says like 'Whether the stone hit's the pitcher or the pitcher hits the stone, it's the same and bad for the pitcher.' I don't think this is true about serving god or god serving us. Paper can't write on the ink. This isn't a reversible equality. In the end, as far as out lives are concerned, it doesn't matter, except that once you realize and accept that god doesn't serve you, that only you are responsible for your happiness, then you can get on with your life and be happy about it.
We make a trap for ourselves here, too, though. We try to do what makes us happy. The only thing wrong with that is it's depending, again, on something outside us to make us happy. This is true of everything! Helping others, and even loving god, though good things to do, won't make us happy. We are happy only when we decide to be happy. Period.
Part of me still resists a little. What about clinical depression, I ask myself. That's a physical problem of unbalanced chemicals in the brain. This is a valid question as far as I can see. Clinical depression should be properly treated. At the same time I remember my brother. He has multiple sclerosis. Although he strongly suspected before the actual diagnosis was made, it was a blow. Between the natural feelings of depression resulting from the diagnosis and the medications used to treat it (which are apparently fine tuned by trial and error), he ended up with a full blown case of clinical depression. Because of medical interactions, getting the right medical treatment for that took a while, too. When asked how he handled it, he had a simple answer. "I knew I was clinically depressed and we were working on it. In the meantime, I just decided to be happy and mostly I was." He didn't deny the depression. He simply recognized it for what it was and moved on. Amazing. At the time of this conversation, I thought he was a bit crazy. Since then I've come to recognized the value of what he said and what he did. All he did was make a choice.
I can hear the question "Well, what if you make the choice and you're still unhappy?" That makes me think of my Christian conversion. I felt the call of God, of Jesus. I wanted to believe, but it was so hard. Although there was always a spiritual element to my life and the lives of those around me (no athiests, that I'm aware of), I was essentially brought up humanist. Humanism resists evangelical Christianity. On top of that, I knew a lot of people made fun of evangelicals... 'holy rollers' was the common name. I agonized over it. It was hard. Very hard. But I believe it was God calling me to make this decision, so I chose Christ. As I explained it later, it was as if Jesus was at the door knocking, but there was a boulder in the way and I couldn't open it to let him in. Once I decided, however, the boulder evaporated and the door opened.
I think it's the same for happiness. Once we decide to be happy, the boulders in the way of happiness disappear. We realize things. Some have become cliché, but while there may not be originality in clichés, there is often truth. The thing is, those clichés become realities. You can't fake it. And it's not a sour grapes sort of thing. You don't negativize something just because you didn't get it. You don't say "Well, I didn't really want that anyway" just because you didn't get it. In fact, on some level you may still want it. It's just not that important at all, not to your happiness. Have you ever told someone about something you hoped to get and gotten a pleasant, but cool "That's nice." I have and my reaction was "They just don't get how important it is." Maybe they weren't really paying attention, but it may also be that they did get how important it was, that it really wan't important.
A choice for happiness also is not about glossing over harsh realities. If there are problems that can and need to be changed, you work on changing them. You don't give up or ignore them, but you are happy and don't make your happinedd depend on that change. If there are problems that really can't be changed, you recognize them,do what you can, accept what you can't do and be happy despite the problems.
Being happy isn't easy to begin with. You have to let go of a lot of long held misbeliefs. Once you do that, once you decide to be happy, you find true happiness. It's not power, lust, elation or any of the many other things mistaken for happiness. It's simple, abiding joy. I know. I have on occasion rested there.
...to be continued
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
New Title, and Musings on Time
I changed the title of this blog to reflect the direction it's taking. "TongFengDeMao" has no spiritual significance.
I'm still trying to rein in my thoughts and tame them with my beliefs. This isn't particularly easy for my ADDled mind which is always trying to think a few hundred unrelated thoughts at once. And this particular thinking forces it beyond the conventional.
Twenty-six dimensions could be limiting God. That is not my intent. When I think about it, saying God and heaven are "up there" in the sky or wherever is also limiting. We have to limit God, in one sense, in order to understand even a little about him. Being the three dimensional beings that we are, we can't see much more than those three dimensions. It all goes back to the five blind men and the elephant.
We usually say that time is the fourth dimension, but time is essentialy one of the limitations of the third dimension (and perhaps others). Because we can't see all twenty-six dimensions at once, we need time to comprehend our world. That makes sense to me. I have such a hard time dealing with too many things going on at once. How could I possibly handle my whole life happening all at once?!
This fits with my beliefs already. God said "I AM." He is alpha and omega all at once. There is no past or future with God. It's all now. He already knows what we will do in the future becuse he is there. I'm sure I grasp this imperfectly, but I do have some concept of it.
This fits with my concept of joy being totally in the now. This isn't the sense of thinking only of now, but in being aware totally of now. Living in the now doesn't mean ignoring the past or not preparing for the future. It's being aware of what is happening now, at this moment, and relishing it. I think this means even when what's happening now isn't very good. It doesn't mean accepting bad things, because living now in a bad situation means taking charge and doing something about it. Some situations require action. Others may only have an attitude adjustment necessary to be doing something.
My own personal difficulty with living now is that I find myself waiting too often. I'm just waiting until I have more energy. I'm just waiting until this or that improvement on the house is done. Whatever it is, I'm just waiting. As long as I'm just waiting, I'm not living. Those times when I'm not waiting, I feel joy. I'm alive! I am wasting my NOW with waiting. It's wasting NOW to worry about the future. It's wasiting NOW to fret over the past. (Later I'll see how this ties in with attitudes and emotions, more.)
A recent seminar I attended told us to believe what we wanted already existed, to see it existing in the future and then to act on that vision. Is this not "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:21-23)?
Time. We are always saying we never have enough. I wonder if the real problem is that we look at it too much. We always have NOW!
I'm still trying to rein in my thoughts and tame them with my beliefs. This isn't particularly easy for my ADDled mind which is always trying to think a few hundred unrelated thoughts at once. And this particular thinking forces it beyond the conventional.
Twenty-six dimensions could be limiting God. That is not my intent. When I think about it, saying God and heaven are "up there" in the sky or wherever is also limiting. We have to limit God, in one sense, in order to understand even a little about him. Being the three dimensional beings that we are, we can't see much more than those three dimensions. It all goes back to the five blind men and the elephant.
We usually say that time is the fourth dimension, but time is essentialy one of the limitations of the third dimension (and perhaps others). Because we can't see all twenty-six dimensions at once, we need time to comprehend our world. That makes sense to me. I have such a hard time dealing with too many things going on at once. How could I possibly handle my whole life happening all at once?!
This fits with my beliefs already. God said "I AM." He is alpha and omega all at once. There is no past or future with God. It's all now. He already knows what we will do in the future becuse he is there. I'm sure I grasp this imperfectly, but I do have some concept of it.
This fits with my concept of joy being totally in the now. This isn't the sense of thinking only of now, but in being aware totally of now. Living in the now doesn't mean ignoring the past or not preparing for the future. It's being aware of what is happening now, at this moment, and relishing it. I think this means even when what's happening now isn't very good. It doesn't mean accepting bad things, because living now in a bad situation means taking charge and doing something about it. Some situations require action. Others may only have an attitude adjustment necessary to be doing something.
My own personal difficulty with living now is that I find myself waiting too often. I'm just waiting until I have more energy. I'm just waiting until this or that improvement on the house is done. Whatever it is, I'm just waiting. As long as I'm just waiting, I'm not living. Those times when I'm not waiting, I feel joy. I'm alive! I am wasting my NOW with waiting. It's wasting NOW to worry about the future. It's wasiting NOW to fret over the past. (Later I'll see how this ties in with attitudes and emotions, more.)
A recent seminar I attended told us to believe what we wanted already existed, to see it existing in the future and then to act on that vision. Is this not "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:21-23)?
Time. We are always saying we never have enough. I wonder if the real problem is that we look at it too much. We always have NOW!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Where's Heaven?
I suppose this is an odd thought. I read Michio Kaku's Hyperspace back in January, but the thought just came to me a couple of days ago. I think Heaven is the twenty-sixth dimension. According to Kaku, that is the most dimensions possible in the universe. It may be only ten.
It all gets rather complicated and I haven't had time to think this through, yet. Part of what led me to this thought is the story of the two dimensional world when a three dimensional person inserts himself into it. If a three dimensional person picked up a two dimensional person and moved him, it would appear to the two dimensional world that he disappeared and reappeared elsewhere. If a two dimensional person "sees" a three dimensional person, it is only a two dimensional slice. Obviously, this slice isn't a true view of the three dimensional person. Depending on what part of the body enters their world and what angle, it could be pretty much any shape. The 3-D person who moved the 2-D person would appear as two circles or ovals (fingertips).
How could we possibly understand what a twenty-six dimensional being is like? I can't imagine one and I have a pretty good imagination. "For now we see through a glass, darkly." Many currently inexplicable things could be understood. Explaining and understanding miracles doesn't make them less miraculous in this dimension.
I don't see science as an enemy of God. My only complaint is that so many scientists don't let God into the equation. I believe a true search for knowledge must encompass both. A true search must begin with the knowledge we know next to nothing about either.
I've started to ramble, so I'll end this post now. I'd love some comments about the idea. As I said, I haven't completely thought this through, and any input can be helpful.
It all gets rather complicated and I haven't had time to think this through, yet. Part of what led me to this thought is the story of the two dimensional world when a three dimensional person inserts himself into it. If a three dimensional person picked up a two dimensional person and moved him, it would appear to the two dimensional world that he disappeared and reappeared elsewhere. If a two dimensional person "sees" a three dimensional person, it is only a two dimensional slice. Obviously, this slice isn't a true view of the three dimensional person. Depending on what part of the body enters their world and what angle, it could be pretty much any shape. The 3-D person who moved the 2-D person would appear as two circles or ovals (fingertips).
How could we possibly understand what a twenty-six dimensional being is like? I can't imagine one and I have a pretty good imagination. "For now we see through a glass, darkly." Many currently inexplicable things could be understood. Explaining and understanding miracles doesn't make them less miraculous in this dimension.
I don't see science as an enemy of God. My only complaint is that so many scientists don't let God into the equation. I believe a true search for knowledge must encompass both. A true search must begin with the knowledge we know next to nothing about either.
I've started to ramble, so I'll end this post now. I'd love some comments about the idea. As I said, I haven't completely thought this through, and any input can be helpful.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Just As I Am
This hymn has come to my mind several times this week for various reasons.
The main reason is probably my own inner longing for a more religious life again. I have gotten away from church and regular Bible study. I had reasons, at least some of which were valid. I was in a bad depression a few years ago and an out-of-whack sleep schedule was part of it. Church at that time was not providing me with the sanctuary I needed and therefore sleep was even more important. Since I've moved, I suppose it's just laziness, bad habits, that keep me from seeking out a chruch in which I can find the sanctuary I need. I should get off my duff and get to church somewhere. Take me, Lord, just as I am.
Another reason this hymn, at least this first line of it, came to mind was some discussions on homosexuality. Why have the fundamentalists picked this as their agenda? Even for those who consider this a sin, it is no worse than any other sin! Let him who is without sin throw the first stone. Why not choose those that also destroy the body (drugs or smoking), or something a larger group (dare I say "majority") recognizes as a sin? Why stir up so much controversy? My frustration with this goes deeper than mere controversy, though. People become too polarized by this topic. Either you are for or against homosexuality. HUH??
From the Christian point of view, I know the arguments, but I have struggled with them. Recently I have read thoughts of another true Christian who also struggled with this issue. Unlike me, he did some Bible study on the topic and found the common arguments against homosexuality debatable. Debatable, not wrong. Open to discussion, not definite. Apparently the Biblical references are vague on the subject, not as open and shut as so many fundamentalists would like us to believe. (I've often thought this when given a quote, but haven't done the Bible study to back me up.) Biologically, I guess things are just as vague. There are unquestionable differences between gay and straight men and women, but apparently, there is no gene or other marker scientists can point to and say "This is what makes a person gay."
In all honesty, the thing that turned me away from the homosexuality-is-a-sinful-choice attitude was seeing a man cry with genuine anguish because he wanted to be "normal," to have a wife and family and that he had tried to do that and had just made more people miserable because he just didn't "work" that way. So why don't we accept people just as they are? Don't give the the argument "Then should we accept murderers just as they are?" I'll say yes, actually we should, but it's as a protection to society that we also lock them up. Homosexuality does not present a danger to society. They do not "recruit" straight men or children. Promiscuity and pedophilia are separate issues and as a society we should deal with them, not blame one group for them. [And here, again, I believe we should accept people as they are, but pedophiles should be locked up because they are a danger to children. The promiscuous don't need to be locked up, but because they leave a wake of hurt people behind them (not to mention disease and unwanted children), this is something we, as a society, need to address.]
God loves us just as we are, while we are still sinners (any sin, all sins). If he wants us to change something about ourselves, he lets us know. We can change no one but ourselves. Change comes from within, with God's help. Let God do his work. We need to learn to love one another and accept each other. Help us, Lord, to love one another and accept one another just as we are.
A third thing that brought this hymn to mind was an article on perfection. The article was called "Set Yourself Free."
I suppose there are people who don't care about perfection. I'm not one of them. I was brought up with sayings like "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right." It took me years to realize something still might be worth doing even if I couldn't do it "right," but it still means I have to give it my very best. I get very frustrated when I see things that have been done shoddily, when I see people not even trying to do well. This article pointed out that as human beings perfection is beyond us. What perfection we may experience is only momentary. We are constantly changing and part of those changes is bound to involve mistakes.
A lot of people are afraid of change because they see the mistakes and problems change brings. To remain stagnant is an imperfection that leaves no room for the momentary perfection, therefore change is good. It dawned on me, we need to accept oursleves as we are, now, not when we lose those 50 pounds, get our degree, or sell a novel (fill in your own goals). We want to be perfect. We need to realize we aren't perfect as we are, but that's okay. Once we realize we aren't and can't really be perfect and allow change to be part of our life, we are free of the tyranny of perfection. We open ourselves to those moments of perfection. Help me, Lord, to accept myself, just as I am.
The main reason is probably my own inner longing for a more religious life again. I have gotten away from church and regular Bible study. I had reasons, at least some of which were valid. I was in a bad depression a few years ago and an out-of-whack sleep schedule was part of it. Church at that time was not providing me with the sanctuary I needed and therefore sleep was even more important. Since I've moved, I suppose it's just laziness, bad habits, that keep me from seeking out a chruch in which I can find the sanctuary I need. I should get off my duff and get to church somewhere. Take me, Lord, just as I am.
Another reason this hymn, at least this first line of it, came to mind was some discussions on homosexuality. Why have the fundamentalists picked this as their agenda? Even for those who consider this a sin, it is no worse than any other sin! Let him who is without sin throw the first stone. Why not choose those that also destroy the body (drugs or smoking), or something a larger group (dare I say "majority") recognizes as a sin? Why stir up so much controversy? My frustration with this goes deeper than mere controversy, though. People become too polarized by this topic. Either you are for or against homosexuality. HUH??
From the Christian point of view, I know the arguments, but I have struggled with them. Recently I have read thoughts of another true Christian who also struggled with this issue. Unlike me, he did some Bible study on the topic and found the common arguments against homosexuality debatable. Debatable, not wrong. Open to discussion, not definite. Apparently the Biblical references are vague on the subject, not as open and shut as so many fundamentalists would like us to believe. (I've often thought this when given a quote, but haven't done the Bible study to back me up.) Biologically, I guess things are just as vague. There are unquestionable differences between gay and straight men and women, but apparently, there is no gene or other marker scientists can point to and say "This is what makes a person gay."
In all honesty, the thing that turned me away from the homosexuality-is-a-sinful-choice attitude was seeing a man cry with genuine anguish because he wanted to be "normal," to have a wife and family and that he had tried to do that and had just made more people miserable because he just didn't "work" that way. So why don't we accept people just as they are? Don't give the the argument "Then should we accept murderers just as they are?" I'll say yes, actually we should, but it's as a protection to society that we also lock them up. Homosexuality does not present a danger to society. They do not "recruit" straight men or children. Promiscuity and pedophilia are separate issues and as a society we should deal with them, not blame one group for them. [And here, again, I believe we should accept people as they are, but pedophiles should be locked up because they are a danger to children. The promiscuous don't need to be locked up, but because they leave a wake of hurt people behind them (not to mention disease and unwanted children), this is something we, as a society, need to address.]
God loves us just as we are, while we are still sinners (any sin, all sins). If he wants us to change something about ourselves, he lets us know. We can change no one but ourselves. Change comes from within, with God's help. Let God do his work. We need to learn to love one another and accept each other. Help us, Lord, to love one another and accept one another just as we are.
A third thing that brought this hymn to mind was an article on perfection. The article was called "Set Yourself Free."
I suppose there are people who don't care about perfection. I'm not one of them. I was brought up with sayings like "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right." It took me years to realize something still might be worth doing even if I couldn't do it "right," but it still means I have to give it my very best. I get very frustrated when I see things that have been done shoddily, when I see people not even trying to do well. This article pointed out that as human beings perfection is beyond us. What perfection we may experience is only momentary. We are constantly changing and part of those changes is bound to involve mistakes.
A lot of people are afraid of change because they see the mistakes and problems change brings. To remain stagnant is an imperfection that leaves no room for the momentary perfection, therefore change is good. It dawned on me, we need to accept oursleves as we are, now, not when we lose those 50 pounds, get our degree, or sell a novel (fill in your own goals). We want to be perfect. We need to realize we aren't perfect as we are, but that's okay. Once we realize we aren't and can't really be perfect and allow change to be part of our life, we are free of the tyranny of perfection. We open ourselves to those moments of perfection. Help me, Lord, to accept myself, just as I am.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
What is Spirituality?
In my effort to organize all my blogs, this one will be what I loosely call my "spiritual" blog. Here I will record my thoughts about various things of a spiritual nature. This will include both "religious" and philisophical thoughts.
Spirituality is, to me, that Something more than science can prove, but just as real and important to our lives. It's more than just religion and faith. My personal religious beliefs are Christian, but I believe that most religions have picked up some elemental truth. I also believe that no religion (including Christianity) has all the truth. Mankind, being what it is, insures that.
This entry is not a deep thought, or even particularly thought out. I just wanted to get started. Now I need to go think, which is not as easy as some people believe.
Spirituality is, to me, that Something more than science can prove, but just as real and important to our lives. It's more than just religion and faith. My personal religious beliefs are Christian, but I believe that most religions have picked up some elemental truth. I also believe that no religion (including Christianity) has all the truth. Mankind, being what it is, insures that.
This entry is not a deep thought, or even particularly thought out. I just wanted to get started. Now I need to go think, which is not as easy as some people believe.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Memories
Today I wrote a longish piece for my Memories book at Writing.com. I feel good about this. I suppose that only my son will really be interested in it, but I'm mainly doing it for him anyway. I hope that my mom will work on her memory book also. She told us a lot of tales when we were growing up, but I'd love them in writing. So would my son. (And possibly my nieces and nephews.)
I didn't get much else done today. Woke up late, talked about two hours to my mom, made dinner, watched a movie with my son, read my e-mail, cut son's hair and did this writing. Actually, for this ADD disorganized person, that was a pretty good day!
I didn't get much else done today. Woke up late, talked about two hours to my mom, made dinner, watched a movie with my son, read my e-mail, cut son's hair and did this writing. Actually, for this ADD disorganized person, that was a pretty good day!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Stir fried thoughts
Life is being pretty good right now. Nothing exciting of any kind is happening. It's good, but somewhat boring, also.
As usual, I struggle with my writing. Knowing that the problem is ADD doesn't really help until I can see if there is something that will help. I'm only half convinced that medication will make any difference. Something that also makes it hard is lack of adequate quiet time. Some of it is my own fault -- getting caught up in reading blogs or doing puzzles. Part of it is because someone always seems to need me for something. It's nice to be needed, but...
As usual, I struggle with my writing. Knowing that the problem is ADD doesn't really help until I can see if there is something that will help. I'm only half convinced that medication will make any difference. Something that also makes it hard is lack of adequate quiet time. Some of it is my own fault -- getting caught up in reading blogs or doing puzzles. Part of it is because someone always seems to need me for something. It's nice to be needed, but...
Friday, December 30, 2005
Rain & Agitation
Apparently it's raining enough to be a flood danger. They said Salem was one of the danger areas, but then gave news only for Portland and it's suburbs. Yahoo just says aflood alert until Saturday night. I hope it slows down tomorrow.
I have gotten back to reading. My pile of books (listed here) is rather long. Obviously I haven't kept up for a while. I got two books on the list read and am reading a third. It's not on the list, however, because it's a science book. Hyperspace by Michio Kaku.
The hyper state my mind was in has degraded to agitation. I hope I can read tonight. Gonna watch a couple of episoded of Six Feet Under first. Don't have a clue how that will affect my state of mind.
I have gotten back to reading. My pile of books (listed here) is rather long. Obviously I haven't kept up for a while. I got two books on the list read and am reading a third. It's not on the list, however, because it's a science book. Hyperspace by Michio Kaku.
The hyper state my mind was in has degraded to agitation. I hope I can read tonight. Gonna watch a couple of episoded of Six Feet Under first. Don't have a clue how that will affect my state of mind.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
This 'n' That
Holiday spirit comes and goes for me. I had it quite a bit of it while shopping with my sister this past week. One day, while putting some decorations about and listening to carols, it was there, too. After sitting a while at this computer, however, it seems to fade. I guess it's always been on and off with me. In this photo I look like a deer caught in the headlights. My brothers look happy and my sister is genuinely photogenic. I always hated to be noticed. I don't know why because I think I also craved attention.
I love this photo despite my terrified look. Several years ago I thought I had accidently thrown it out. I felt sick every time I thought of it. When I discovered that my sister still had it, I was so relieved. I'd been so sure she'd given it to me.
I am told that I always look the same in photos. My husband and son easily pick me out in any old photo I happen to show them and both comment "You haven't changed." Even when I manage to smile, apparently. I feel the same, mostly, but I don't really think I look the same.
I still do my main blogging at http://www2.Writing.Com/main/books.php/item_id/884810/page/1?rfrid=airycat but think I should post something here now and then.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Good People
I went to the grocery store this afternoon. There was nothing particularly special about that, but after I had gotten all my items onto the conveyer and half of them were checked out, I realized I had forgotten my checkbook. We shop at WinCo and each checker can do two customers at a time, so the woman ahead of us had just paid and was packing her bags. My husband was packing our bags. I called out across the counter asking him if he had his checkbook. Nope. So.... the lady in front of me offered to pay for our groceries and let us send her a check later. I thanked her, though not profusely enough. Since the checker had a way to suspend the check-out process while I went home to get my checkbook (we live only a few blocks away), I chose to do that instead of taking her offer. Still, it was truly a kind thing to do. My only regret for not taking her up on her offer is that I didn't get her name.
So, yeah. There are a lot of cranky people in the world, but there are also some very, very nice people, too.
All in all, today has been a good day.
So, yeah. There are a lot of cranky people in the world, but there are also some very, very nice people, too.
All in all, today has been a good day.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Consolidation
I finally just gave up on getting this particular blog to my website. I've decided to use another one of them. I will keep this one to keep track of those I read. Unless I need to post something in this one, the consolidated blog is here: http://www.Writing.Com/authors/airycat/blog.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Moving the Blog
I have been fighting with the settings and my website file manager all afternoon. UGH! I still don't know if I have it right, but I think not. I'm writing this just to see.
How exciting, huh?
How exciting, huh?
Monday, April 18, 2005
Website connections
I know there's a way to get this blog onto my website. Both Blogger and Crosswinds say so. I've followed the directions accurately, as far as I can tell, but it's still here at Blogger. So I'm just writing this to see where it publishes. I'm hopint that only the old entries are not going to the website..... but we'll see.
Nada! It wouldn't even publish. So I switched everything back to Blogger and it still didn't publish. So I changed my password. Try again...
I had to log out and back in again and it finally published....hmmmm.... maybe if I do that when I change the settings...
Aaarrggh!!! Apparently there is a Blog called Airynothing, which is the same as my website, and trying to connect my blog to my website somehow connects me to her blog and, of course, I can't log in properly. What a pain!
Nada! It wouldn't even publish. So I switched everything back to Blogger and it still didn't publish. So I changed my password. Try again...
I had to log out and back in again and it finally published....hmmmm.... maybe if I do that when I change the settings...
Aaarrggh!!! Apparently there is a Blog called Airynothing, which is the same as my website, and trying to connect my blog to my website somehow connects me to her blog and, of course, I can't log in properly. What a pain!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Moving again!!!!
After eight months of painting and trying to get settled in my new house without Iqbal, he arrives and decides he doesn't really like this house. Whatever happened to "I'm not going to move again when we get to Oregon!"? This house feels cramped to him. I could have rented a place and saved myself a lot of hassle.
Oh, well.... So for the past week we have been looking at houses. I vetoed a couple. He vetoed a couple. Some we both knew weren't right. Saturday we put an offer on a house that had a guest house for Mom and an apartment for Alex. It was nice. It had plenty of room and a fireplace and a swimming pool. I felt neutral about the house. That's good, because they turned down our offer and we can't really pay more. Our next choice sold in the meantime.
Today we looked at four or five houses. I liked the first immediately, even though it isn't one I would have thought I would have liked. I loved the second, but it didn't have quite enough room and it was a bit dark. It was also worth every penny they were asking for and that was out of our range. The next one was one I "had a good feeling about." So much for my feelings. It was on a busy street and needed a lot of fixing up. It had six bedrooms, but it also smelled and was a mess. The fourth house was worse. It could have been a wonderful house. Instead it looked like a wild animal's lair and smelled worse. We suspected it was a crash pad for addicts. We merely drove past the fifth house because it was on a very busy street and wasn't the greatest neighborhood.
In the end we went back to the first house and looked at it some more and tried to figure out how our stuff will fit in. This house (the one I'm in) still feels bigger to me, but the numbers say that one is bigger. It has a lot of charm and the neighborhood seems quite nice. I like the feel of it. Since we both liked it, Alex thought it was "okay" (hey! no apartment means he'll be more inclined to get his own place sooner... ie. grow up!) and my sister had very good vibes about it, we decided to put an offer on it. We should know by Wednesday, if we got it. Then it's back to packing and boxes and ....aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
Oh, well.... So for the past week we have been looking at houses. I vetoed a couple. He vetoed a couple. Some we both knew weren't right. Saturday we put an offer on a house that had a guest house for Mom and an apartment for Alex. It was nice. It had plenty of room and a fireplace and a swimming pool. I felt neutral about the house. That's good, because they turned down our offer and we can't really pay more. Our next choice sold in the meantime.
Today we looked at four or five houses. I liked the first immediately, even though it isn't one I would have thought I would have liked. I loved the second, but it didn't have quite enough room and it was a bit dark. It was also worth every penny they were asking for and that was out of our range. The next one was one I "had a good feeling about." So much for my feelings. It was on a busy street and needed a lot of fixing up. It had six bedrooms, but it also smelled and was a mess. The fourth house was worse. It could have been a wonderful house. Instead it looked like a wild animal's lair and smelled worse. We suspected it was a crash pad for addicts. We merely drove past the fifth house because it was on a very busy street and wasn't the greatest neighborhood.
In the end we went back to the first house and looked at it some more and tried to figure out how our stuff will fit in. This house (the one I'm in) still feels bigger to me, but the numbers say that one is bigger. It has a lot of charm and the neighborhood seems quite nice. I like the feel of it. Since we both liked it, Alex thought it was "okay" (hey! no apartment means he'll be more inclined to get his own place sooner... ie. grow up!) and my sister had very good vibes about it, we decided to put an offer on it. We should know by Wednesday, if we got it. Then it's back to packing and boxes and ....aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
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