Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Dreams, A Vision and Worship

I've been driving to Portland most of the past week, working on some shelving projects for my son. I have been tired and today I slept late, getting about eleven house sleep. When I'm well rested, I dream. Well rested dreams are often good stories or messages to myself. Today was no exception.

I only remembered the end of the dream when I woke. In the dream a man was on stage singing. I was with someone, though I don't know who, now. There was something about being there to learn to sing as he was, but I'm totally in the dark about what that was about in the dream. In the dream the singer was Willie Nelson, but that was not him. It was someone younger and with a clear voice. I'm not sure why I named him as Willie Nelson unless that was just the first name that came to my dreaming mind.

Anyway, he was singing and came to the chorus "and I did it all for you." My friend and I were following him as he walked along the stage. (We weren't on the stage, but were following right along the front of the stage as he walked out the projected part of the stage.) As he got to that line, a large picture of Jesus rose up before him, covering him from the chin down. I remember feeling a thrill at connecting his words to that picture.

It sounds like he was singing from Jesus' point of view, but that wasn't it at all. I woke up at that point and I knew what it meant. That's only one line from the song. I've been working on trying to put lyrics together that express the full meaning. So far, all I have are the leading lines of the chorus, which change from verse to verse, although the rest of the chorus is the same. Those lines are 1) I did it all for me, 2) He did it all for me, 3) I did it all for Him and 4) I did it all for you.

I don't know yet if I have the skill to write the whole thing. I'm certainly working on it. Right after I woke, I thought of MC Psalmist, but I don't know if it's a rap song or something else. Maybe it'll just be a poem. Maybe my son will create some music for it. (I, the dreamer, actually heard no music in the dream even though "Willie" was singing.)

What struck me is the progression of those four lines. I believe this is the true order of a believer's life. We do things for ourselves. We see what God through Christ did for us. We are thankful and do things to please Him. Finally we realize the meaning of the Golden Rule and do thing for others.

This falls in line with a "vision" I had. Maybe "vision" is the wrong word. "Message from God" or "Revelation" sound too pompous and make me a possible candidate for the looney bin in the eyes of many. Perhaps "Vision" does too, but I'm not sure how to label it. Neither is it exactly an "answer" to a prayer, though it was through prayer that it was shown to me. Shown in the meanig of making me to see, to understand.

I have been concerned about not attending church. For a very long time I rarely missed and since about 2000 or 2001 I have not attended. Originally my reasons were based on how I felt physically. At that time I was always exhausted. I've come to realize since, that, at least some of that exhaustion was being depressed. But during that time I also came to see the fundamentalist churches a little more clearly. I see too much blind faith and I was born again out of seeing, not blind faith. Many, most of the believers I have known in these churches are wonderful true believers, but somehow, the fundamentalist church as a whole has become essentially pharisaical. The "silent majority" is still silent! I think most of these pharisees are still looking for that which they thought they'd found. It comes down to "religion," rather than people, being important. (And this is not to say that these people are not really Christian. Anyone can get lost along the way. God will bring his true followers around as He sees fit.)

My concern has been that I know I'm no better than any of those whose religiosity frustrates me. I fall short of the ideals I aspire to. I see myself closer to the woman I once imagined I would become, but further away from it in many respects. So I was frustrated at how to worship. How can I return to a church I feel so often has blinders on? How can I attend a church that ignores some of the fundamentals I believe are important? Where do I go? How do I worship.

It was with astounding clarity that the answer came to me. "Worship with your life." I know this is a true answer for several reasons. The first was the clarity of it as a command. Then, my gut reaction was a whimpering "No." I don't want to do that because it is not easy. It is uncomfortable. My life is 24/7, not Sunday morning, or even Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and special occasiona. It's also biblical. My holey (not holy) brain can't recall the exact chapter and verse, but I know it's in the Bible to live our lives in such a way as to let people know we are believers, in such a way as to reflect the true God in His mercy.

Besides those reasons, it won't go away! It pops into my mind in all sorts of places and situations. I believe that is what the dream was about. Not so much for me to write the lyrics of the dream song, but to comprehend the message they convey.

That final lines of the song expresses the golden rule.
It says I care enough about you to give you what I want for myself. It also reflects the tale of the Good Samaritan. Leviticus 19:18 tells us to love our neighbor. It is the scripture that the golden rule is based on. Jesus' expression of it points out that loving is doing, not a feeling or merely politeness.

It isn't easy. I'm somewhat of a hermit by nature. When I am around people, I tend to be shy and quiet. I still need to learn what to do and how to do it in terms of worshipping God by loving and doing for others. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's obvious, but... (ie.: is it safe to give that person a lift?) Sometimes I haven't a clue even if I sense I should do something. I still have a lot to learn to become the woman I want to be.